Dear Little Baby,
I know that I am posting late, but so much has happened today. I’m not even sure where to start. Most of today went okay. I had a dentist appointment this morning for a cleaning. That went uneventfully. Then your Daddy and I went home. Your Daddy was being a little pansy about his toothache and stayed on the couch all day long, just like yesterday and the day before. I asked him to go to the grocery store and he threw a temper tantrum, so I had to go. When I got home, I had to make HIM something to eat because his tooth hurt sooo bad that he couldn’t even do that for himself. While I was standing there I felt a gush. At first I thought it was just more amniotic fluid. When I went and presented your Daddy with his smoothie, I sat down on the toilet and realized that it was all blood. And it was a lot of blood. I called 911, because your Daddy couldn’t evwn do that because his mouth hurt too bad, and went to the hospital by ambulance. But not the good hospital–the worst hospital in North Carolina because it was the closest. They got me up here, and you are still doing okay. Your heart rate was high–it was in the 180s, and while they were listening it slowed all the way down almost to 0, then pucked back up. I can still feel you kicking. But they think that the reason I am bleeding so profusely is because my placenta is separating from my uterus. This isn’t good news, Little Baby. But as grim as it is, I’m not giving up. As long as you’re fighting, so am I. But I want you to know that if you decide to let go, I will understand. I won’t make that decision for you, but if you decide to let go I will not resent you. I will love you forever and always, Little Baby. But I need you to know that it is okay to let go if you have to. My health is unimportant…I can survive whatever comes my way physically. So don’t concern yourself with ME. I will be just fine. I am okay with whatever decision you come to. And if the bleeding stops and our placenta heals itself, that is even better. We can do this. But I won’t force you or torture you, either. I am making my peace with this situation. If we continue on, so be it. But if you decide that you are just too tired to fight anymore, I will let you go. But you will live forever in my heart, no matter the outcome. And I don’t really blame your Daddy for everything. I just need somebody to blame right now. I love your Daddy and we both love you. I’m just hurting right now. And I shouldn’t have said the mean things that I said. I hope one day we can read these letters together and marvel at how far we have come. I love you more than every star in the universe combined. I hope that this isn’t goodbye, but if it is, I just need you to know that I will always love you, no matter what. I’m sorry for rambling and repeating myself. I’m having a hard time thinking coherently right now.
Dear Little Baby,