Never give up on hope.

March 3, 2015 </3

Dear Little Man,
This is Mommy again. You were born today. I started having contractions at 3am, and the medical team at New Hanover Regional Medical Center refused to stop my labor despite my many (adamant) requests that they do so. I had no fever, no uterine tenderness (besides the godawful contractions) and they had no proof other than the fact that I had been ruptured for so long. So they refused to do anything and let me labor a dry birth without pain management until 12:33pm when you were born. You came out just like you have always been–a fighter. You were trying to take a breath, but you just weren’t big enough. The doctors at this hell hole wouldn’t even hold me off long enough to finish the beta methazone for your lungs. They played God today and we lost. I had been denying the “undeniable” urge to push for three hours when you were finally born. When I felt your head outside of my cervix, I knew that it was over. We fought so good, Carter Samuel. We really did. But in the end it just wasn’t enough. I’m so fucking sorry. In the end my body betrayed us both.
You are so perfect. Ten beautiful little fingers and toes, even though you got your Daddy’s feet, an adorable button nose. Perfect little baby lips. You didn’t have any hair yet and your eyelids were still fused, so I don’t know what color hair or eyes you would have had. I’ll always wonder. You were so incredibly small, Little Man. You were (are) 10 inches long and only 11.8 ounces. You were just too small for this big old world. You were too perfect.
I can’t let you go, Carter. I’m too scared of you being alone. You’ve never been alone before. I can’t let you be alone. I love you so much Carter. I can’t talk much more right now. Today has been too emotional for me. I will write to you tomorrow after we figure out some way to celebrate your life. I love you, son.
Mommy

Advertisements

Comments on: "March 3, 2015 </3" (6)

  1. I am so incredibly sorry….
    I can’t even imagine the pain you are feeling.
    I wish I could choke those doctors, I’m serious. Their job is to save lives, not doom them.
    You fought so long and so beautifully for him, I know he’s in Heaven waiting for you and proud to call you his mother, I know I would be.
    My good friend lost her little boy who was born at 23 weeks.
    We had a celebration of life get together where we all just ate, drank, sang, and enjoyed each other’s company. We then released 26 or so paper lanterns into the night sky for little Nathaniel, and it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever been a part of. It was simple, but beautiful.
    You could do 22 for the 22 weeks your little man fought.
    But right now, just grieve. It is normal, and it hurts, but you need to. Please try to surround yourself with friends or family or both. Hug your little girl, and tell her she will see her little brother one day, and how happy he will be to see her.
    Again, I am so, so sorry. I wish I could hug you and keep you company and help you in this hard time.
    You fought, you did everything you could, remember that. No, you couldn’t have done anything more, and no, it is not your fault.
    You are a beautiful person, with a beautiful daughter, and a beautiful son. And he will be watching over you anxiously awaiting the day he will get to see you again.
    I hope you know how many lives you have changed or will change by sharing your story. ❤️
    Please email me if you need someone to talk to, alyssa.a.eck@gmail.com .
    Love,
    Alyssa

    Like

  2. Jennifer Bramlett said:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I have been following your story since you first said your water broke. I can’t begin to imagine how you must feel. You pushed so hard for so long, you never gave up on your child. To him, and many of us moms following you, you are a hero. You couldn’t save him, but you were able to give him chance and you gave yourself time to get to know your little one before he took his wings. He is in Heaven and will always be your guardian angel. I want you to know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. Stay strong Momma!

    Like

  3. When you are feeling up to speaking to anyone, please email me, dianamiller2010@yahoo.com I have been so moved and touched by your story. And I want to send you something. It’s not much considering what you have gone through, but I want to try! I just need the first initials of your living children, and the initials of any babies who reside in heaven if they were named. From reading, I know there’s cayce, and carter. I feel like I’m missing someone. I am so so so beyond sorry for your loss. I am praying for healing hands for you and your little family. Know you have touched many lives and I know you will continue to. If you have a page on Facebook, I will definitely help spread your word. (I read your next post!) anything I can do, I will!

    Diana

    Like

    • I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve been following your updates since your water broke. Prayers for you and your family. Such a beautiful spirit. He is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have him.

      Like

  4. You are in our prayers! Deepest sympathy to you and your family

    Like

  5. God received your child. He is not alone. He will never be alone again and he will be happy and safe until you join him. I’m sorry for the pain of your loss.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: