Never give up on hope.

March 5, 2015

Dear Carter,
I couldn’t bring myself to post yesterday. Yesterday was supposed to be our big day. Twenty three weeks. Instead, we spent it picking out urns and getting our pictures done by the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep people. The doctors at the hospital sent me home with a garbage bag full of medicine. It’s supposed to help. It doesn’t. Trazadone for sleep, Ativan for anxiety, Norco for pain, Wellbutrin for depression, and some prescription strength stool softeners and ibuprofen. None of that will bring you back, Carter. And none of it helps me sleep. I sleep for an hour here or there, but since you passed away, I don’t sleep like “normal” people anymore. I lose track of time. Your Daddy keeps trying to hug on me and love on me and he is just making it worse. I know he is trying to make me feel better, but I don’t even want to feel better right now. I know that sounds crazy but right now I don’t care. I just miss you so much, Carter. I just want you back.


Comments on: "March 5, 2015" (1)

  1. Samantha said:

    It’s been a few days since I’ve read and I was so hoping that you had made it. My heart breaks for you and I want to hug you so hard. Both of you, because it’s so awful to lose someone you love more than anything. I just want to tell you that even though you feel bat shit crazy, or numb, or angry, or alone, or weak; you aren’t. You are so strong, you got up. You will keep getting up because of your family. Because even though your heart is shattered, you still have your husband and your kids and they need you and you need them. I know you know that. Take one minute at a time until you can handle it, then two, then three then five, ten and so on. You are strong, let your husband hold you, hold him back. You both need it.


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