I have been thinking a lot lately. And I have been crying a lot lately. And I have been wondering a lot lately. There are so many thoughts and feelings at war inside of me. I am angry and hurting and confused all at the same time. What did I do to DESERVE this, God? Why did you take my son away from me??? What could I EVER have done to have deserved that? I am SO fucking ANGRY at you God. I WANT MY SON BACK!!! I don’t understand what I did to have deserved my son dying. I don’t understand what I could have done to deserve you TAKING MY SON AWAY FROM ME! I don’t UNDERSTAND!!! Why?!?!?!
I see stories all the time of women killing their children, beating them, trading them for drugs, doing drugs the whole time that they are pregnant with them, and THEY didn’t have their children taken from them. I am a good mom. I care for my children. They are my LIFE. There is nothing on this planet and nobody on this planet that is more important to me. I am not a perfect mother by any means, but I TRY to be the BEST MOM that I can be, and I feel like that is all any mom can do. So why did you take my son? I don’t understand!!!
My son was completely innocent, so it couldn’t have been you punishing him. He was perfect. He was a tiny perfect person. And you TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME!!! I ha GFyou for that, God. And as if taking my son away wasn’t enough at one time, my daughter has a heart defect that could be life threatening. Jeremy has something wrong with his tooth that isn’t healing up correctly at all, which landed him in the hospital for a week. And then there is everything that is going on with Genesis. And Cameron just had to have surgery. If all of that wasn’t enough, you decided to take my son from me.
CARTER WANTED TO LIVE SO BADLY! HE HUNG ON THROUGH EVERYTHING. HE HUNG ON WITH NO AMNIOTIC FLUID. HE HUNG ON THROUGH THE STRESS, THE COMPLICATIONS, EVEN WHEN I STARTED GUSHING BLOOD. HE WAS A FIGHTER!!! HE WANTED TO LIVE!!! WHEN HE CAME OUT OF ME, HE WAS TRYING TO GASP FOR BREATH!!! HE WANTED TO BADLY TO LIVE, BUT YOU KILLED HIM!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU GOD!!! I. FUCKING. HATE. YOU!!!
People keep telling me to pray about this, and I keep telling them that I have nothing nice to say to you. And they say that’s okay. But I genuinely have nothing nice to say to you, God. Not one single thing. And people keep saying that “everything happens for a reason.” Fuck that too. Fuck your reasons, God. There is NO REASON to kill a baby. I feel like asking them what the reason is that babies get raped and murdered. Oh, there’s no reason? Yeah, then there is no reason that God can give me for killing MY SON, either.
MAYBE one day I will be able to talk to you and forgive you, but right now? That’s not an option. I miss my son. And you took him from me. To me, that pretty much says everything.
Evelyn Jean Brook Shields-Cowley