Today, we went and got our tattoos for Carter (I will post a picture of mine at the end of the post–Jeremy’s is just like mine except that it is on his chest and doesn’t have the blue in it). After we got done at Deadly Sin Tattoo, we went to WalMart for a few things. We had to pick up dinner for tonight and Aquaphor for our new tattoos. Everywhere I looked, there were babies and pregnant people. And I started having a breakdown in the middle of WalMart. Jeremy turned to me and said, “You getting all worked up and upset isn’t going to solve anything.” I was so ANGRY at him for his callousness. My breasts are aching (literally) to feed a baby, and I have NO BABY TO FEED. Then, when Jeremy and I got home, he wanted to go play with the kids and neighbors, who were all out in the yard playing kickball. He left me in the house.
When I came out of the house, I yelled for him. I had to scream his name at the top of my lungs before he FINALLY turned around. And he was like, “What do you want???” I said, “How about you walk your dog!” He said that he would do it “in a minute” which basically means either I have to do it or Beau is going to have an accident on the floor. One of the neighborhood kids volunteered to walk him for me, so that was one less thing that I had to do, but that’s not really the point. Then, when I got next door to Kem and Allen Michael’s house to get Cayce, I told him to help me get her back to our house. I mean…he didn’t make a big deal out of doing it, but still…I had to ask him. Then, he changed her without being asked (great…I appreciated it) and then I was sitting on the side of the bed, bawling and he just said, “I’m going back outside,” squeezed my shoulder, and walked out of the door.
It’s like he doesn’t want to see how much pain I am in, or he doesn’t care. He doesn’t understand that I am literally having to remind myself every single day that I have other children to take care of so I can’t join my son. I feel like I need an even bigger tattoo than what I got because it did HURT enough. It doesn’t reflect the amount of pain that I am going through on the inside. Like I need an entire sleeve to make my physical body hurt as much as my heart is.
On the way home from WalMart, I couldn’t stop crying. I started getting angry with God. Like, REALLY angry. I wrote a very angry letter to God that I will include in another post. I feel like that letter deserves its own post. But Jeremy reached over and just held my hand. Like…I know that Jeremy wants to comfort me, and he wants to help me, but he doesn’t really understand HOW to do it. His dad is a prick and was never exactly a great example of the loving father figure. He was the provider…and that is about it. He’s trying to learn, but the progress has been sooo slow.
Again, this post has been sort of out of order, disorganized, or whatever. But it’s honest and it’s raw. This is me. If you can’t imagine what you would feel like if something like this happened to you, I am trying to give you an insider’s point of view.