It has been four days since my son died. I still haven’t received a phone call from my dad to say he loves me. Just a, “Hey, I can’t relate, but I’m here for you if you need me.” Nope. Not from my family. I had my mom call him earlier today just to see what kind of mood he was in. Apparently he was drunk or high or something. She said she didn’t think it would be a good idea to call him then. So, a little bit ago, I looked over at Jeremy and asked if he would call my dad for me. His response? “Didn’t your mom call him earlier?” I said yes. He said, “So why do I need to call him?” I told him to just forget about it. So I sent my dad a text message. This is the conversation that followed:
Me: Hey. You there?
Me: You up for a chat?
Dad: Not really.
Me: Ok. (Mind you I was bawling)
Dad: Love you
Sometimes I just need to talk to my dad. But over the years, he has become less and less like a father, and more and more demented and not there for me. I know that it is the alcohol, and the prescriptions, and the constant pot-smoking (not that there is anything wrong with marijuana in moderation for medical need, but he smokes a LOT), but that doesn’t make it any easier when I need my Daddy and he isn’t there. When I need a shoulder to lean on and there isn’t one there.
My mom and I have so many problems that I hate talking to her anymore. I feel like everything I say to her, she is going to use against me. I don’t trust her. And I hate her for the things she has done recently. Legitimately hate her. I might as well be an orphan because I have no parents to call and lean on.
And in the days since Carter died, not one person from Jeremy’s side of the family has called me to say anything to me. Not hi, bye, sorry for your loss, fuck you, eat shit and die, nothing. Not one single thing. My neighbors (Kem and Allen Michael) have been there for me more in the last month than anyone in my entire family. They took care of my kids while I was in the hospital and Jeremy was in school. They never complained about having my kids for extended periods of time. EVER. If I needed something and I was in the hospital, they found a way to make sure that I got it. They bought diapers and wipes and milk for my kids on more than one occasion because Jeremy would just forget. I wish there was something that I could do for them that would begin to pay them back for everything that they have done. But because they have done SO MUCH for me in the last month, I can’t continue to ask more of them. Kem is legitimately my best friend. I have very few “close friends” if you will, but I do have a few.
- Kem has been amazing through this whole thing. And Allen Michael, her husband. They have been there at every turn. But I can’t in good conscience dump my emotional disaster on them on top of everything. Even amazing people like Kem and Allen Michael need a break from my current state of insanity.
- Josh works a lot. He is my oldest friend (almost 20 years now) but he isn’t always easy to get in touch with. That doesn’t mean that he and I are any less of friends. It just means that sometimes we go longer in between talking or hanging out.
- Heather is another very close friend. But she is rough around the edges. Heather is the friend that I go to when I need someone to “slap me around” and get my ass back on track. She’s not overly emotional. She tells it like it is. And I love her very much, but I can’t take her kind of friendship right now. I can barely make it through the day as it is.
So in other words, I feel SO FUCKING ALONE and so hurt and so angry and so sad. My husband isn’t doing a very good job of being here for me because he doesn’t really understand what I NEED. I can’t go to my mom because I don’t trust her. And anything I say to her about my husband she just says she wishes he would die or tries to convince me to divorce him. My dad is emotionally constipated and he is usually unavailable anyway. My sister has a life of her own, and I just can’t bring myself to call her right now either. I feel like…she wants the attention for “her nephew” dying. Not that I care that her friends tell her that they are sorry, but I…I don’t know how to explain it. Like…are her feelings really genuine? Is she really hurting? Because then I don’t mind. But if she weren’t really as hurt as she says she is, and she is just doing what is “expected of her” and getting all of the attention, like, “Poor pitiful me” I would be pissed. And I love her, don’t get me wrong, but she is not good at just listening. She always manages to turn the conversation to be about her. So, really, who the hell else is there to call and talk to? All of the people that I am supposed to be able to talk to are out of the question. And then part of me doesn’t even want to talk to anyone. I don’t know what to do. I am so fucking confused.
On top of all of this, I am trying to STAY quit from smoking. I don’t ever want to smoke again, but I find myself wishing that I had a cigarette. I’m sure that part of it is just the stress of what I am going through, but I just…I would rather not even have that urge. It gets easier and easier to refuse the urge every time, but that doesn’t mean that it gets easier to still get those cravings…get it? Meh…I probably am not making any sense. And I guess that’s fine too. I think that I am just going to go to sleep and hope that I see Carter in my dreams.