Never give up on hope.

March 8, 2015

Dear Carter,

People keep saying that time makes it easier. But I didn’t get enough time with you and I am ANGRY with God. I am ANGRY at the hospital. I am ANGRY at your Daddy. I am ANGRY at your Grandma. I am DISAPPOINTED by your Grandpa. But most of all, I am ANGRY at myself. I feel like my body betrayed us, Little Baby. I just miss you more and more everyday. I don’t like to leave the house because I see babies and it reminds me that I don’t have you.

I almost didn’t take all of my medicine this morning. I felt like maybe I could make it through the day without needing all of it. But I took it all anyway. I don’t want to push myself too fast and end up curled up in a ball in the corner. I think that tomorrow I will try to only take half of the Ativan. And see what happens. I can always take another one if I need it. The anti-depressant is here to stay for a while. I can feel it starting to work. I break down less often. More like every couple of hours than every half hour. Which is an improvement.

I love you Carter, and I know that you wouldn’t want to see me crying this much. I know that you wouldn’t like to see me this sad. So I am trying to get better for you and your brother and sisters. I’m trying.

I love you more than all the stars,
Mommy

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