Never give up on hope.

March 10, 2015

Dear Carter,

They say that it is supposed to get easier every day. They lie. Today is a day that I am drowning in pain. I didn’t sleep last night (again). When your Daddy left the house this morning, I broke down crying again. I wanted to scream and beg and plead with him, “Don’t leave me! Please don’t leave me!” I don’t want to be alone. I’m so alone. i want to hold you again, to kiss your face, to count your tiny fingers and toes. Did I tell you that you have your Daddy’s feet? But I can’t. You’re really gone now. When I walked away from you yesterday, that was it. You’re gone and I will never get you back. I never thought that I could feel pain this deep, this all-encompassing. I’m consumed by the pain. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I walk around like a zombie–except this zombie cries all the time. I don’t think regular zombies do that. My boobs hurt all the time because you’re not here to nurse. I have perfected the art of the silent scream. When the pain is so unbearable that I can’t contain it any longer, but when I open my mouth to scream, nothing comes out. A hundred thousand prayers won’t bring you back. I know because I’ve tried. A hundred billion tears won’t either. I know because I’ve cried. I feel like I have finally broken. All of the years of abuse that I survived at the hands of my stepfather, I survived. All of the years of self-destruction that followed that, I survived those too. Heartaches, breakups, divorce, betrayal, my family–I survived all of that. But now I’m really broken, Carter. I don’t know how to go on. We did so good. We lasted so long. I really thought that we were going to make it. I wanted to look back at all of this one day with you. But now I can’t. Because you’re gone and you’re never coming back. How do I put one foot in front of the other when I’ve been cut off at the knees?

I love you more than all the stars.
Mommy

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