Never give up on hope.

March 12, 2015

I know that is has been a few days since I updated my blog. I haven’t forgotten about Carter I still write to him every single day. I just haven’t been online in a few days. The last few days have been pretty rough.


Dear Carter,

Today, Daddy started bitching about money. And I know it’s a valid problem. I know that we have bills to pay. And I know that I have to go back to work. But I’m just not ready. I’m not ready for the world to keep spinning. I’m not ready to put on a smile and pretend that I’m fine when, on the inside, I am breaking. I’m not ready to let go of you yet. I’m not ready to pretend that you never happened. I am not ready to let you really die, Carter. I can’t. I sleep with your teddy bear every night, and I carry it around all day every day. I can’t let you go yet. I’m not ready.New moms get six weeks of maternity leave. But what is there for moms whose child died in childbirth? Who, physically, are ready to rejoin the workforce? But emotionally can’t even do the damn dishes without crying over bottles and pacifiers? I miss you with every cell in my body. I miss you down to my soul. I’m not ready to see my coworkers having great days when every single moment of every single day is painted gray for me. I just want you back, Carter. People tell me that I can try again. And they are right. And I’ll have another baby, assuming that the worst doesn’t happen again. But it won’t be YOU, Carter. I can never have YOU back. I regret the way things happened every single day. I hate those doctors with a passion deeper than the deepest ocean. Yes, I can have another baby. But I can never have another CARTER.

I love you more than all the stars,
Mommy

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