Never give up on hope.

March 14, 2015

Dear Carter,

Your Daddy took me out last night. And it was just as horrible as I though it might be. His friends from school met up with us, and they both hugged me and asked how I was doing. I could feel the pity in their hugs, see the discomfort in their eyes. What do you say to a woman that just lost a child? Not a whole lot. They asked how I was doing and even though I know that they meant well, that made it so much worse. Like they don’t see ME anymore. They just see a woman whose child died before he ever got the chance to live. I knew the night was going to be bad before we ever even got to the bar–when we stopped for gas on the way to the bar, I saw a woman that was about 6 or 7 months pregnant. I felt anger and sadness and jealousy and hate and a longing for you so strong that I felt a literal chest crushing pain. Like my heart was literally breaking. Then, at the bar I saw women that had obviously had children. And it depressed me. To look around and see all of those women who (most likely) had never suffered the death of their child. I hated them all.

At any rate, today, I cleaned some. Beau had gotten into the trash, and since your Daddy couldn’t be torn away from the TV at all today, except to go to the bathroom and forage something for himself to drink or eat, I was on my own for things like changing your big sister and cleaning the house. I can’t help but think that if your Daddy hadn’t been so lazy and I hadn’t had to clean so hard when I was pregnant for you if you wouldn’t still have a heartbeat. I resent him. I love him so, so much, but I am ANGRY at him. I started in the kitchen, cleaning up the trash that Beau had gotten into, skipped the dishes (which are going to be a literal all-day affair) and moved to the living room. I put up six new pictures. I am still waiting on my other frames to come in. And your Grandma is buying me a frame that says, “Your life was a blessing, Your memory a treasure. You are missed beyond words, And loved beyond measure.” I ordered prints of your pictures that everyone took, and I have to pick them up. They will be going into the 4×6 frames that I have. I have 4 frames that size that came in my package, I’m waiting on two more frames–one that has only one opening (the one with the saying that your Grandma is buying) and one that say “Life isn’t about the the breaths you take, it’s about the moments that take your breath away.” That one has (if I remember correctly) 11 openings? I will never forget you Carter. I want to be able to see your precious face every single day for the rest of my life. I miss you so much. Little Baby. I love you.

I love you more than all the stars,
Mommy

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