Yesterday, I ex-communicated my “father.” I say that because he is the name on my birth certificate, but he no longer qualifies to be my “Daddy.” Someone reported your picture on my Facebook yesterday, and I just about lost it. I posted a Facebook status telling whoever it was to go ahead and come forward. So, I got a PM from my cousin, who said that she couldn’t figure out how to report just his comment on my photo, so she reported the whole photo. Apparently, during all of this, he deleted his comment. But this is what he said: “What gift do you get a dead baby? A dead puppy?” The things that he has said to me over the years are unacceptable, and I refuse to submit myself to his particular kind of abuse anymore. There IS NO forgiveness for that comment. There IS NO “coming back” from that. He made a joke out of your life and your death, son. And even though you are no longer on this Earth, hell perhaps even BECAUSE of that, I will defend you until the bitter end. I told your Daddy that I was going to have a few drinks and then call him. He asked why, and I told him that he would hear it all in a few minutes. Meanwhile, I was literally pacing back and forth, trying to calm down. So, I had a couple of drinks, and I dialed his number. Annnddd…his phone is either “out of service, or the number has changed.” Bastard. He couldn’t even let me have the justification of telling him exactly where he can spend eternity. But you know what? He isn’t worth it. I am going to block his number on my phone and on Jeremy’s phone. If he sends me a letter, I will write a big ass “RETURN TO THE ASSHOLE THAT SENT THIS SHIT.” I wish that he lived closer. I’d have drove to his house and I’d have said all of this to his face. Actually…you know what? I’m glad he lives so far away. He isn’t even worth the effort. I just want him out of my life. He has alienated every single person that ever cared about him. He will die alone, because he will continue to alienate the people that love him.
Anyway…moving right along. Apparently, your “Grandma” is now following this blog. I read her blog posts and they are all about her. As per usual. How hard it is for HER to hear ME cry. How hard your death was on HER. That’s all she thinks about. That’s why she took custody of Genesis from me. She has NEVER put my needs and wants before her own. It’s all about her. You know…after I got it all out yesterday…I’m not even mad anymore. I’m disgusted. I am disgusted by her level of selfishness. I’m quickly learning that she was never my mom. She was always just a wolf in sheep’s clothing. If she manages to make it to Heaven when she finally kicks the bucket, stay far away from her.
I’m learning that family is not about who you are related to you. It’s about who supports you in your time of need. And I am learning that I don’t have any family. I’m family to plenty of people, but there is nobody there for me. It’s time to pick up the pieces, hide my tears and move forward. Notice that I did NOT say move on. I’ll never “move on.” But it’s time to be a big girl. Because no matter how much I wish that it was different, there is nothing and nobody that is going to support me. I don’t get to pretend that the world has stopped. It’s time to go back to work. I am going to make the phone call to my job later on today and tell them that I am ready to come back. I love you so much, Carter. But the world didn’t stop spinning for me or you. And as bad as it sucks, I have to go back to being an adult. That doesn’t mean that I have forgotten about you, son. It just means that reality sucks. A lot. I still think about you every single day. I love you, son.
I love you more than all the stars,