Never give up on hope.

March 18, 2015

Dear Carter,

Today, I am not crying. Yesterday, your Daddy had his friend call me and tell me how wrong I am. How your Daddy “did everything he could to be there” for you when you were born and died. Bullshit. I argued with him for a while. But at some point, you are just letting yourself bleed to see the color red. That is a lesson that I would have taught you if I had had the opportunity.

So I shut down emotionally. I refuse to feel anything. I feel guilty for that because I feel like I am disgracing you. I feel like I should let myself feel all of the pain. But at some point, what good is that pain doing? I told your Daddy that I refuse to let him hurt me anymore. I have refrained from telling him that I love him since I shut down. I am still “Mommy.” I still love my children just as much as I ever have. But I am shutting off the pain. One person can only take SO MUCH pain before they have to remove themselves from it. I know that this is not a “good” coping mechanism. I know that I am “grieving abnormally.” I know that when I let the pain back in, it’s just going to hurt worse because I am going to “make up for lost time.” But I can’t handle anymore pain right now.

I feel like every single person in my life (except for my children) has done nothing but hurt me. So what purpose do they serve in my life? If they aren’t serving a purpose for me, why are they there? There are so many people that I need to cut out of my life. People say, “Oh well you will always have your family.” L.M.A.O. My family is at least 50% of the problem. If I were to make a list of people to cut out of my life that are doing nothing but hurting me, my family would be at the very top of the list. Then my husband. Then half a dozen friends. And what would I be left with in the end? My children. Genesis, Cameron (I would include him with or without his father–he is Cayce’s brother), Cayce, and you. I feel like I need to re-evaluate my entire life. Take away Facebook. Take away the accessory bullshit circulating in my life. I would love to just take my children with me to a deserted island, or a mountain cabin, removed from “society.” Then remove Facebook. Remove the internet. Remove technology, my “family,” the neighbors, the bills, the drama, the bullshit…and just breathe. I don’t want to hurt. There’s so much in this world to make me bleed.

I love you more than all the stars,
Mommy

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