Never give up on hope.

March 20, 2015

Dear Carter,

Today, I got your ashes. You are now up on my mantle. I still miss you every single day, and it never gets easier, but I have learned how to “put the lid on my pain” so that I can function throughout the day. I swallow it down, bury it under a smile, and pretend that I am not dying on the inside every single moment of every single day. I now have a pretty much permanent headache from how hard I strain to control my tears and my grief every day. I have to alternate between aspirin, Tylenol, and Motrin everyday because I max out at the limit of at least one of them everyday. But I’m learning how to get up and pretend that I’m okay. It’s not easy. And everyday I wish that I was waking up from a nightmare and that you were still here. But you’re not. Now, you’re just ashes and you’re up on my mantle. Later on, your Daddy and I are going to open your urn and put some of your ashes into our necklaces, so that you will be close to our heart everyday. God, I wish you were here, Carter.

I love you more than all the stars,
Mommy

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