Never give up on hope.

March 21, 2015

Dear Carter,

Today, your Daddy and your sisters and I went to our friend Angie’s house. Angie has a little girl that is Genesis’ age. They are best friends (most days) and Angie has a baby boy that could have been your best friend. I thought that it would be hard to hold him and see him, but it was oddly comforting. I got to hold him and love on him and it felt good to have a baby in my arms. It was therapeutic. I still miss you every single moment of every single day, but mostly I can get through the day. Mostly. Sometimes, my grief rears its ugly head, but for the most part I can get through the day.

On the way home from Angie’s house tonight, I heard a song on the radio that broke my heart. It was “We All Want What We Ain’t Got” by Jake Owen. I would give it all back to have you here. I miss you so damn much, Carter. Today, when I got home I just walked straight in the door and cuddled your urn. The only thing I have left of you is ashes. That’s it. Ashes. I wish that I were still naive and blissfully ignorant of the pain of losing a child. This is a lesson that I would rather not have learned. I wish I would just wake up.

I love you, always,
Mommy

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