Never give up on hope.

March 22, 2015

Dear Carter,

Today, I was filling out parts of Cayce’s baby book that I had neglected filling out up until now. I had just written the dates down to be transferred to her baby book at a later date, and today I actually sat down and transferred it all. And then I broke down sobbing. I should be filling out YOUR baby book now. I should be preparing for YOU. I should still be pregnant with you. I snatched your urn off of the mantle and I just cradled it, sobbing my heart out. Every single time that I think I am okay and I can function through the grief, something happens and I am slapped right back to reality. Last night, I caught myself looking at the pictures on the wall of all of the kids, and thinking there was someone missing. And then I remembered. There is. And my heart broke again. I miss you so much, son. I keep wanting to say please come back to me. But I know that isn’t possible. And wishing you would is pointless. But I wish you would anyway. I wish I could just wake up and realize that this was all a really bad dream. Please just let me wake up.

Here Without You,


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