It has been 20 days. It seems like the time has flown by and dragged on at the same time. If you were still inside of me, you might have survived if I had made it to this point to have you. I still feel responsible for your death. But every day gets a little bit easier. Not EASY. But easier. Those first days were a blur of tears and anger and pain. I still cry. I am still angry. I still hurt. (I’m bawling now.) But I hold your sisters and I feel like maybe I’m not coming apart at the seams so much anymore. Like maybe I can start sewing the pieces back together.
Your Daddy and I talked last night about when we are going to try again. He wanted to wait “a few months.” I told him that I am not going to wait that long. I told him that I am not going to get on birth control and that there is nothing that he can say that will convince me otherwise. There is a gaping hole inside of me. I’m not saying that another baby will fill it. The hole inside of me is shaped just like you. But maybe it can fill in the center a little bit. I love you and I miss you so much, Carter. God, I wish you were here.
Here Without You,