Never give up on hope.

March 29, 2015

Dear Carter,

Today, we went back over to Tony and Shawn’s house. I was pleasantly surprised yesterday when I found out that Shawn is actually cool as hell. Genesis and Kendall hit it off famously, and I think I might actually have found a female friend that I can talk to again since your Daddy pretty much ostracized Kem and Allen Michael. Your Daddy was being inconsiderate today, but not so much because HE was being inconsiderate, but because his “boyfriend” was and he was going along with what his boyfriend was doing. It’s hard to explain, but…sometimes Tony can be a bad influence. Not all of the time, but sometimes. Your Daddy’s “boyfriend” is Tony, who is ACTUALLY Shawn’s boyfriend and Kendall’s daddy. The last couple of days have been therapeutic. I actually got out of the house, and I was able to talk to someone that understands what men with PTSD actually act like. I was able to vent to her and she listened and empathized without judgment. It was good. I talked to her about you, and I showed her pictures of you. She didn’t shy away from talking about you. She just said that she couldn’t imagine what I was going through and told me how gorgeous you were. She didn’t go on and on about how she knew what I was going through. She kept it simple. We can talk to each other, and GOD if that isn’t good. I’m not “over” you, but it gets a little easier to breathe around the gaping hole in my chest every single day. I love you, son. More than the whole wide world.

Here Without You,
Mommy

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