I am so tired of arguing with your Daddy. It has gotten to the point that we don’t scream and yell anymore, which is good for the kids, but for me it really only means that I don’t have the passion that I used to. Like…I don’t care as much. It isn’t that I don’t love him as much, it’s just that I don’t care about our relationship as much. Like…I am convinced that nothing I do or say is going to save my marriage. Your Daddy got pissed off at me today over his hat. He’s had this hat for a little more than a year…like a year and a half. Roughly. And it was GROSS. It stunk, it looked horrible, and you could practically see the flies buzzing around it. The day before yesterday, he left it on top of the dryer, and today, I threw it in with the laundry and washed it. If I had known how he would respond, I wouldn’t have done it. But I didn’t and he threw a tantrum. So he saw his freshly laundered hat hanging up drying, and freaked out. Our friend was over at the time and I was so fucking embarrassed by his actions and his attitude. He blew the situation way out of proportion, and knowing that we didn’t get his GI Bill payment yesterday like we were supposed to, and we are broke for the next week, he told me that he is going to buy a new hat tomorrow. Mind you, he bought a four wheeler without my permission when he got his school money back without my permission that he overpaid for and now we can’t get our money back out of. He got $5000 from his Pell Grant, and he spent $4300 on a four wheeler. A four wheeler that we MIGHT get $3200 out of if we sell it. MAYBE. So when he told me what he was GOING to do with the money that we don’t have (because he pissed it away on a piece of shit toy) I told him (very calmly) that if he buys a new hat tomorrow, he better buy a lawyer too. Because I will divorce him. And I am very serious about it. If he buys a new hat, I am done. It’s not even about the hat, really. It’s about his complete and total lack of concern for his family. He spent $4300 that should have gone to pay the bills. But he doesn’t care. That $4300 could have gone towards our lawyer. But he bought a four wheeler. That $4300 could have gone to a deposit on a bigger house to live in. But he bought a four wheeler. Again, this time, that money is needed elsewhere. But he doesn’t care about any of that. He’s pissed off because his hat doesn’t stink anymore and there are a couple extra rips on his hat that don’t even detract from the hat. It looks like a stylistic thing (the fabric under the rip is red, and there is a rip on the bill that was there for fashion when he bought the hat). And…get this…he says that this hat is so precious to him, but instead of keeping it, he threw it out in the yard. Yep. Sounds like it’s real important to you. I’m just so disgusted with him as a man. When he pissed away the $4300 on a four wheeler, he said that he would figure out the money. I told him that if we could afford that much money on a toy, then he could afford for me to be a stay at home mom. And he said okay. He said that he would go out and he would get a full time job on top of going to school to pay the bills. But now, he has completely changed his tune. He is telling me that I have to go back to work. It hasn’t even been a month since your death. I’m not going back to work unless I one of two things happens–either he and I are going to get a divorce, or he is going to sell something and get $4300. When one of those things happens, I will go back to work. But I am not going back to work before I am ready to support HIM and HIS MISTAKE. Sorry. Not going to do it. He is not going to get away with being a fucking retard yet again. I am not going to bail him out yet again. It’s just not going to happen. All he does is lay in bed or sit on the couch and watch TV or go outside and play on his fucking four wheeler. Or say fucking horrible things. I don’t think I love him anymore, son. I think I am ready to let him go. I know that when I let him go, I am letting go of a piece of you. When I let him go, I am letting go of the last living piece of you. But at this point, I don’t have anything left to hold on to. He doesn’t make me happy. I have nothing but contempt for him anymore. I don’t respect him anymore. When I look at him, all I see now is a piece of shit and a joke. I love him less and less every single time I look at him. He really sealed the deal when he told me that your death was my fault. I told him then that I would never forgive him, and I think that I was more right than I could have thought at the time. I will never look at him the same way. He can SAY that he loves me a million times from now on, but if you love someone, you don’t say something that hurtful to them. You don’t cut them to the heart like that. Even our mutual friend, Angie, said that she would have cut his dick off if he had said that to her. I have nothing left to hold on to. I have no love left for him. I just don’t love him anymore. And I feel like that is a betrayal to you. But I can’t stay with him because I love you. You wouldn’t want me to make myself miserable just to be with him. Right?
Here Without You,