Never give up on hope.

April 13, 2015

Dear Carter,

I know that I have not written in quite some time. My heart aches with guilt. It isn’t that I have forgotten you (not even a little). It’s that I am trying to find my new normal. I will never be “normal” again. But I found that when I was writing to you every single day, I had less to say to you and it caused me more pain. Every single time I write to you, I cry. I’m getting to where I can talk about you without crying. Not always, but sometimes. I miss you every single day just the same. But I am trying to learn how to appreciate the family that I still have with me. One day we will meet again, and I will hug you and love you and never put you down. But that isn’t now. I’m writing again. And I don’t just mean to you. I mean “professionally” as much as it can be considered professional, since I’ve never been paid for it. If I can ever get my first novel actually finished and published, the dedication page is going to have YOUR name on it. I know that it isn’t much, but it’s what I will have if I can make it there. I miss you so much, Carter. And nothing ever makes it hurt less. I just lie with a smile better now than ever before. I want to say please come back, but I know you can’t. And it HURTS. To never see you grow up. To never see you take your first steps. To never hear your laugh. To never snuggle you. This is a fate worse than death–I would never wish this on ANYONE. Time doesn’t heal this wound. It never gets easier. I just have to lie more often. But I have to go on living with the pain. I have to keep moving when all I want is to go BACK. I want to go BACK and do things differently. I want to go BACK and fight harder. I want to go BACK and make you live. But the world just keeps on moving forward. And I hate the world for it. I just want you back. I just want you back…

Here Without You,
Mommy

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