Never give up on hope.

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Almost 8 Months Later

Carter,

I haven’t forgotten about you. Your picture hangs in the living room for everyone to see. Your ashes are in a beautiful marble urn on the mantle of the fireplace. I miss you. You should be three months old now. You should be learning how to roll over. But you aren’t. I have felt every single day of your loss, but I’ve gotten better at putting on a fake smile. When people ask me how many children I have, I say four. Genesis, Cameron, Cayce, and Carter.

And now I can say four with one on the way.

Carter, sweetie, you’re going to be a big brother. I know you won’t ever be able to play catch with your little brother or sister. I know you will never get the chance to tease him or her mercilessly about a weird hairstyle. But I hope that you are somewhere up above watching out for us all. Because we really miss you down here. Don’t forget us, Little Baby. We won’t ever forget you.

I love you more than words can ever describe.

Love,
Mommy

announcement

Advertisements

April 19, 2015

Dear Carter,

I have been writing professionally as of late. I found an awesome website called iWriter that offers freelance writing jobs for specified amounts of money. Right now, the jobs that I complete don’t pay that much but I am just starting out. The more reviews that you receive (and the better that they are) the better pay you get. For example, right now, a 700 word article earns me roughly $5. Still, $5 for 700 words adds up if you actually devote time and energy to writing. At the highest pay level, a 700 word article earns roughly $50, sometimes more. There are two levels in between the lowest tier and the highest tier. And considering that I am about a quarter of the way through the first tier on my first day? I can’t complain too much. When you died, I realized that there is enough misery in my life and in this world. I refuse to contribute any more to my own misery. That has meant cutting some people out of my life. That has meant making some tough decisions. But it has also led me to an epiphany of sorts–I want to write. I have always loved writing. I am working on my novel again. I am writing at all hours of the day now. Sometimes, instead of sleeping, I write. Coffee and writing. I can’t stay up writing tonight, as much as I desperately want to. I have an appointment tomorrow that I can’t miss. But when I get home, I will be writing again. I have written at least 5,000 words today, not including my blog posts. So…I’ve held my own as far as writing is concerned on here. I write about you often. You are my best main character, son. I miss you every single day. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you.

Still Here Without You,
Mommy

April 18, 2015

Dear Carter,

Every single day gets harder and easier. It gets harder because it puts more space between us. It gets harder because if you had made it to today, you could have lived. It makes it harder because I was supposed to be 29 weeks pregnant by now. It gets easier because I learn every day to lie a little bit better. I learn how to smile a little more convincingly. The other day I went to the grocery store and the people there asked how you were (they didn’t know) and I just awkwardly said, “He died.” And then I had to explain it. And I broke down crying. In the middle of the grocery store. The next day I had to go back to the store for milk or something small. And another employee that hadn’t heard the news saw me and asked about you. And I cried again. But I don’t cry every single morning anymore. I don’t cry every single night anymore. I still cry a LOT. But not as much. I miss you Carter. I love you so much.

Still Here Without You,
Mommy

April 15, 2015

Dear Carter,

Today was a pretty long day. Cayce had her physical therapy evaluation today. The results are back–she is performing at the level of a 12 month old. Which is 6 months younger than she is. She has overall low muscle tone, she is at the “high normal” end of flexibility, and she has generalized weakness in her neck, trunk, and hips. She was accepted for physical therapy, and she has been scheduled for an occupational therapy evaluation as well. She was evaluated for speech therapy, but the lady that evaluated her said that 18 months is a bit young for speech therapy. They don’t really start that until around 2 years old. Then, I did your Aunt Jessica’s taxes. I do her taxes every year, and usually I do them WAY before the cut off, but with everything that happened this year, they didn’t get done until the last minute. I am so ready for bed tonight. Tomorrow, Cayce has another physical therapy appointment. So now, she has her regular pediatrician appointments, her cardiology appointments, and her physical therapy appointments. And, after she gets accepted for occupational therapy, we will have those appointments too. I am so exhausted just thinking about it all. And in the midst of all of this, I have doctor appointments to keep as well. I normally end up cancelling my appointments at the last minute because I am just too overwhelmed to get out of the door for yet another appointment. And if it isn’t for Genesis, Cameron, or Cayce, I feel like it can go on the back burner. That or an appointment opens up for Cayce that conflicts with my appointment. And I choose her every single time. I’ll live. I don’t have anything life threatening. Maybe some depression (some?) and some minor agoraphobia (nothing life changing) and some anxiety. But…my problems pale in comparison with Cayce’s. And I think about how things would have been if you had survived. I would have had a million more appointments. But I would have gladly done it to have you here. I’d have done it a million times. I miss you so much, son.

Here Without You,
Mommy

April 13, 2015

Dear Carter,

I know that I have not written in quite some time. My heart aches with guilt. It isn’t that I have forgotten you (not even a little). It’s that I am trying to find my new normal. I will never be “normal” again. But I found that when I was writing to you every single day, I had less to say to you and it caused me more pain. Every single time I write to you, I cry. I’m getting to where I can talk about you without crying. Not always, but sometimes. I miss you every single day just the same. But I am trying to learn how to appreciate the family that I still have with me. One day we will meet again, and I will hug you and love you and never put you down. But that isn’t now. I’m writing again. And I don’t just mean to you. I mean “professionally” as much as it can be considered professional, since I’ve never been paid for it. If I can ever get my first novel actually finished and published, the dedication page is going to have YOUR name on it. I know that it isn’t much, but it’s what I will have if I can make it there. I miss you so much, Carter. And nothing ever makes it hurt less. I just lie with a smile better now than ever before. I want to say please come back, but I know you can’t. And it HURTS. To never see you grow up. To never see you take your first steps. To never hear your laugh. To never snuggle you. This is a fate worse than death–I would never wish this on ANYONE. Time doesn’t heal this wound. It never gets easier. I just have to lie more often. But I have to go on living with the pain. I have to keep moving when all I want is to go BACK. I want to go BACK and do things differently. I want to go BACK and fight harder. I want to go BACK and make you live. But the world just keeps on moving forward. And I hate the world for it. I just want you back. I just want you back…

Here Without You,
Mommy

April 2, 2015

Dear Carter,

I am so tired of arguing with your Daddy. It has gotten to the point that we don’t scream and yell anymore, which is good for the kids, but for me it really only means that I don’t have the passion that I used to. Like…I don’t care as much. It isn’t that I don’t love him as much, it’s just that I don’t care about our relationship as much. Like…I am convinced that nothing I do or say is going to save my marriage. Your Daddy got pissed off at me today over his hat. He’s had this hat for a little more than a year…like a year and a half. Roughly. And it was GROSS. It stunk, it looked horrible, and you could practically see the flies buzzing around it. The day before yesterday, he left it on top of the dryer, and today, I threw it in with the laundry and washed it. If I had known how he would respond, I wouldn’t have done it. But I didn’t and he threw a tantrum. So he saw his freshly laundered hat hanging up drying, and freaked out. Our friend was over at the time and I was so fucking embarrassed by his actions and his attitude. He blew the situation way out of proportion, and knowing that we didn’t get his GI Bill payment yesterday like we were supposed to, and we are broke for the next week, he told me that he is going to buy a new hat tomorrow. Mind you, he bought a four wheeler without my permission when he got his school money back without my permission that he overpaid for and now we can’t get our money back out of. He got $5000 from his Pell Grant, and he spent $4300 on a four wheeler. A four wheeler that we MIGHT get $3200 out of if we sell it. MAYBE. So when he told me what he was GOING to do with the money that we don’t have (because he pissed it away on a piece of shit toy) I told him (very calmly) that if he buys a new hat tomorrow, he better buy a lawyer too. Because I will divorce him. And I am very serious about it. If he buys a new hat, I am done. It’s not even about the hat, really. It’s about his complete and total lack of concern for his family. He spent $4300 that should have gone to pay the bills. But he doesn’t care. That $4300 could have gone towards our lawyer. But he bought a four wheeler. That $4300 could have gone to a deposit on a bigger house to live in. But he bought a four wheeler. Again, this time, that money is needed elsewhere. But he doesn’t care about any of that. He’s pissed off because his hat doesn’t stink anymore and there are a couple extra rips on his hat that don’t even detract from the hat. It looks like a stylistic thing (the fabric under the rip is red, and there is a rip on the bill that was there for fashion when he bought the hat). And…get this…he says that this hat is so precious to him, but instead of keeping it, he threw it out in the yard. Yep. Sounds like it’s real important to you. I’m just so disgusted with him as a man. When he pissed away the $4300 on a four wheeler, he said that he would figure out the money. I told him that if we could afford that much money on a toy, then he could afford for me to be a stay at home mom. And he said okay. He said that he would go out and he would get a full time job on top of going to school to pay the bills. But now, he has completely changed his tune. He is telling me that I have to go back to work. It hasn’t even been a month since your death. I’m not going back to work unless I one of two things happens–either he and I are going to get a divorce, or he is going to sell something and get $4300. When one of those things happens, I will go back to work. But I am not going back to work before I am ready to support HIM and HIS MISTAKE. Sorry. Not going to do it. He is not going to get away with being a fucking retard yet again. I am not going to bail him out yet again. It’s just not going to happen. All he does is lay in bed or sit on the couch and watch TV or go outside and play on his fucking four wheeler. Or say fucking horrible things. I don’t think I love him anymore, son. I think I am ready to let him go. I know that when I let him go, I am letting go of a piece of you. When I let him go, I am letting go of the last living piece of you. But at this point, I don’t have anything left to hold on to. He doesn’t make me happy. I have nothing but contempt for him anymore. I don’t respect him anymore. When I look at him, all I see now is a piece of shit and a joke. I love him less and less every single time I look at him. He really sealed the deal when he told me that your death was my fault. I told him then that I would never forgive him, and I think that I was more right than I could have thought at the time. I will never look at him the same way. He can SAY that he loves me a million times from now on, but if you love someone, you don’t say something that hurtful to them. You don’t cut them to the heart like that. Even our mutual friend, Angie, said that she would have cut his dick off if he had said that to her. I have nothing left to hold on to. I have no love left for him. I just don’t love him anymore. And I feel like that is a betrayal to you. But I can’t stay with him because I love you. You wouldn’t want me to make myself miserable just to be with him. Right?

Here Without You,
Mommy

April 1, 2015

Dear Carter,

So far, only one person on my friend’s list joked about being pregnant. And I called her out on it. And she unfriended me. Which is cool, because I was going to unfriend her anyway. I mean…I posted how many warnings letting people know that it’s not a joke? I posted how many status updates letting my friends know how disgusting I think it is? So…she was on the short list to getting removed from my friend’s list anyway.

BUT…I got a phone call from my MOTHER today telling me that my sister (the one that can’t stay out of prison) is pregnant. I’m pretty sure that she thought it was a funny April Fool’s joke, but when I asked her why the hell she called me to tell me, and asked her if she didn’t think that would be painful to me, she started backpedaling. And she said that the guard had told her that my sister is pregnant too, but then she asked me what I thought. (This sister has pretended to be pregnant so many times that when she was actually pregnant–both times–I asked her when she was going to have her “miscarriage.”) And then my mom told me that my sister had said that she was just going to have an abortion. Like…really? This is my “family.” So after I started crying, she was like, “Well, I don’t really believe it. I only brought it up to see what you thought. Do you believe it?” As if I couldn’t see right through her. It makes me so angry.

That being said, I did post a status update today saying, “We are officially TTC. Baby dust appreciated.” Which is true. I haven’t played even one April Fool’s joke today. I can’t think of a single April Fool’s joke to play. Yesterday, Carolanne came over and played with Genesis and wound up spending the night. Her mom came and picked her up today when she got off of work. They had fun. So today, I just spent the day watching them while they played and entertaining the baby. It was a good day. A laid back day, but a good day. I miss you, son.

Here Without You,
Mommy